You live, you learn.

My weekend so far.

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 18:30:53 GMT

Last night I went to Ben's and made him tacos. We had a really nice night, even though my cooking kinda sucks. Sucked. Whatever. Then this morning I was dragged to the doctor where they asked me embarressing questions like "are you sexually active" and lecture me on how my boyfriend shouldn't be my life and I should start hanging out with my friends again. Well I say it's my life and I'm going to hang out with whomever I want to. =) nah. Bonita, was that correct grammar? And then, I got lectured about how I'm not eating right so then they had to prick my finger in which I had a panic attack and started balling my eyes out- I guess I have a phobia. I kinda always thought I did but I wasn't sure. Now I am. I have a phobia of needles. It's like a mental thing. It just doesn't seem right. I have an interview at Vector Marketing Co. for a telemarketer I think it is. Kinda excited, they said they offer 15 dollar base pay, which is pretty fantastic. And I'm good with people so hopefully I'll get the job =)

God I want a donut.

I want to die.

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:21:42 GMT

You wouldn't think someone with blue penguin pajamas would hate themselves and want to kill themself this much. I want to kill myself. I am not even joking. I am a big lump of nothing. I'm not smart. I'm not good at school. I have no drawing ability. or painting ability. or technology ability. I can't play an instroment. and apparently, I hve no singing or acting ability.

and I really thought that I had a chance at this one. At flight, I mean. Because Dana wasn't trying out. Haely was auditon only. Danielle couldn't try out. I though I was getting better. I thought I was getting on loetes side. But apparently, I still have more brown nosing to do. I have no reason for existing. I have no more motivation. My artistic soul is dying because of one man.

Let me ask you this:
How in the fuck am I supposed to get better at something if I never get a chance to do it? I'm never going to get a principal part. Ever. WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DOOOOOOOOOOO!? WHAT?! SOMEONE FUCKING TELL ME BEFORE I DIE A PATHETIC DEATH.
I have no boyfriend. No one even interested in dating me. No straight A's. No AP classes. No beautiful body. No amazing dance ability. No car. No amazing two story house. No nice clothes.
It would at least be nice to be good at one thing. Or even have a little bit of luck in something.
I don't even have that.
I feel like the love of my life just broke up with me and moved to another country.

OH YEAH, AND FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK VALETINES DAY.

Oh my..

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 18:50:00 GMT

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
The angry boy a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light on the burial shroud
I know somethings wrong
Cause everyone I know has got a reason
To say put the past away
Wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties from all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
Well he's on the table and he's going to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left
And you've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You can put the past away
Wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties from all the lies you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand, Yeah
I would understand, Yeah
Can you put the past away
Wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I will understand
You could cut ties from all the lies you've been living in
I will understand
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend

Elections.

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:31:36 GMT

So now, apparently, Tony is running against me for Protempt. Pshhh. He can't beat me out, right? Do you guys know anyone else running for protemp? I really just want to be involved in theatre more. and I don't really have any ideas as to how I'm going to make people miraculously like me and want to vote for me. So if you guys have any not lame campaign ideas for me, that would be cool.

I thought of one where I could be like taking attendance, and I could be checking people off and be like "JACKIE?" (pause) "Jackie?! I KNOW YOU'RE HERE!" and then I can run around the blackbox looking for her and eventually find her and then we could all laugh and I could say "See! I always know where everyone is! Vote for me for protemp because I am fabulous at taking attendance."

mahaha, see, lame. so give me ideas.
I don't want to go to work.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Night at the beach.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 04:37:44 GMT

So today I just layed around the house and relaxed a little bit. Then I went over to Jacks, we picked up a pizza, connor, and headed to the beach. we started to star gaze and shit. and it was fucking depressing because we wanted BOYS to stargaze with, not our BEST FRIENDS. lol.. we had some interesting disscussions, as we always do. Then we picked it all up and went into all the little shops and tried to locate a suitable boy for Connor. That didn't work out so well. Then Connor went behind my back and texted michel and i was all pissed because michel was like "whos this?" and I was like FUCK. But then he was like Oh hey buddy. Yes, he said BUDDY. he keeps calling me that too. So I'm assuming that means hes just not that into me and trying to subtly give me hints that hes doesn't like me or isn't attracted to me or whatever. I am so sure. So subtle, michel. really.
So then Jack and I watched friends for an hour and my mom picked me up. I came home just about as my sister was leaving with her boyfriend. They're disgusting. I think they're a gross couple. They always have to touch eachother. all the fucking time. It drives me to write in my journal excessivley about how annoying they are together. It's like they've aquired new names. They're new names are BABY. Thats all they call eachother now. Theres no real name calling. Just Baby. Because people wouldn't know they're dating and madly in love unless they continually and incessantly call eachother baby.

I need a swim suit.
And a boyfriend.

FACEBOOK

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 18:09:05 GMT

I cannot understand how to upload pictures onto facebook. I have like 238947329847 profile pictures. and I can't move them into an album or anything like that. Myspace is so much easier. But the boy isn't ON MYSPACE. SDLKFJSDLKFJ BLEH.
I'm excited to go to states. It's going to be SO MUCH FUN. that's what i'm going to look forward to for months. until april.
ahhhhhh yayayayayyaayyayayy!
and boy will be there.:D Chanda probably wants to kill me right now.
Anywhoozle. I have to go to work tonight. blahhhhhhhhhh.
My family is obnoxious and annoying and I don't want to stay here for college. I really don't.
Can't wait for flight of the lawnchair man. hope I'm gunna be in it.

list of life

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 03:14:51 GMT

FUCK MY LIFE.

So, daily doings today.
1. woke up at 5:45
2. felt like dying
3. went back to sleep
4.woke up at 8 and got ready to school
5. went to school
6. felt depressed
7. listened to ghetto people in the room make fun of me.
8. went to lunch
9. ate depression food
10.felt depressed.
11. went to acting
12. felt hatred torwards dana
13. feel stupid because I have no talent.
14. went to french
15. was happy because I have an A
16. left french
17. went to large group rehearsal
18. gossiped with connor.
19. swore I would never tell gossip to connor.
20. wanted to kill everyone in large group
21. wondered why willie is such an asshole
22. wanted to cry
23. rehearsed
24. came home
25. put hooker outfit together for tomorrow
26. considered selling myself to the night.
(that right there was for comedic effect.)
27. tried to see if I can sing.
28. Can't.
29. watched sex and the city for four hours
30. took a shower
31. did the sinucleanse thing and cleaned out my nostrils etc
32. got depressed.
33. came to the computer to write everything down
34. felt pathetic.
35. going to bed.

School day back...

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 00:57:51 GMT

Well today flew by. I'm exhausted I feel like I'm dying. I came home and slept for a couple of hours and woke up and ate. Then I looked at my phone and I missed a call from ben & jerry's. from like 4:00. and it was probably my manager. and I hope everything's okay. Because I havn't worked in like FOREVER. I still have a paycheck there so maybe I'll be able to stop by tomorrow and get it and talk to her. But that makes me really extremely nervous. Really. Very. I need to take a chill pill. I hate anxiety. I almost want my hair to be blonde. and I want my eyes to be bigger. I either want blue eyes with dark hair, or brown eyes with blonde hair. and I want to be tiny. Tiny tiny. I havn't even done flvs in a really long time. I probably should, yes? I mean, I had and still have the chance to do that today, but I'm so exhausted. I could never. Could I? Yuck, I wish I wanted to do this course. After exams I'll work my ass off and try to finish the course. It's dragging on way too long.

I can't believe I have to wake up early again tomorrow.

I just read this entry, and I'm am extremely random.
PS Desperate housewives last night was amazing.
PPS and cashmere mafia sucks ass. sex and the city is so much better.

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 01:36:47 GMT

You know what I need to do? TAKE THE SAT. OMG. I'm so stupid I forgott. If I want money I have to go to college and then get a good job and get rich. I realized today I have to have a real career. I have to find something I want to do and go to school for it. Shit. We have to grow up.

ahh I have carpel tunnel

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 03:21:56 GMT

So I woke up thanksgiving morning sick. I had a runny nose, sore throat, and a really wet nasty cough. I was pissed. mm? Yes indeed. I wasn't even hungry but I ate like a huge pig anyway. Whats thanksgiving without stuffing your face? Oh yes, and the grandparents are here. And in full scrutinizing form. The first thing my grandfather said to me was "so, don't get out in the sun much? You look pale?" and throughout the whole dinner I was coughing and hacking and sniffeling and it took them until 8:30 to realize I had a cold. And of course my mother offered my sisters bed to them so they could stay and visit for a while....joy. So as my grandfather was going to bed he turns around and said "goodnight, chubby." Oh, how I wanted to respond, "Goodnight, Wrinkley." but I held myself back, obviously. Because he's got the money for my future. He's quite loaded. Anywho, My new celebrity love is Nick Jonas. I know thats really stupid, but he's so cute, he reminds me of a teddy bear.... with amazing curly hair and big brown eyes, and diabetes, which makes him SO much cuter. Don't know why, it's like that thing with Jackie and boys with tourettes. Anywho, I thanked God ten times today that my grandparents are going home tomorrow, cause they decided to stay another night. My step grandmother keeps hounding me about medicine and mucinex and aspirin. ah, poo. My sisters and I spent 80 dollars on my mothers christmas present. I'm so happy to be able to start buying people stuff. I start at Ben & Jerry's next week. I bought myself some sweaters from charlotte russe. and I know charlotte russe is supposed to be ghetto, but I went to the one in gulf coast town center, and it's actually pretty shnazzy. The one in the edison small smells like a moldy motel room. Yuck. Happy thanksgiving.

Concretttteee girl

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 00:09:19 GMT

Bleeding thoughts
Cracking boulder
Don't fall over
Fake your laughter
Burn the tear
Sing it louder,
Twist and shout

Way up here
We stand on shoulders
Growing colder
Laugh or cry
I won't mind
Sing it louder,
Twist and shout

Immovable shadows
Concrete girl
They'll rock your world
To nothing
And they're swimming
Around again, again
And they're swimming
Around again, again
And they're swimming
Around the concrete girl

Catch your breath
Like four leaf clover
Hand it over

Scream to no one
Take your time
Sing it louder,
Twist and shout

Nothing to run from
Is worse than something
And all your fears
Of nothing
And they're swimming around
Again, again
And they're swimming around
The concrete girl

Concrete girl
Don't fall down
In this broken world
Around you
Concrete girl
Don't fall down
Don't fall down
My cocnrete girl

Don't stop thinking
Don't stop feeling

One step away
From where we were
And one step back
To nothing
And we're standing on top
Of our hopes and fears
And we're fighting for words now
Concrete girl
And we're swimming around
Again, again
And we're swimming around now
Concrete girl

My Weekend..

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 01:09:06 GMT

Fun weekend! Jeanette Jack & I had super fun =) I'm glad we didn't go to the cast party because we had fun watching working. wow. I can't believe we thought that musical was good. It was so borring, even we couldn't even watch it without fast forwarding. lol. pathetic. Back then I thought it was so good, too. You couldn't hear anything I was saying, either. Oh well. Glad the musical is over. SO TIRED.

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 01:39:59 GMT

God, I wanted to slap everyone today in their faces. and why the fuck does Kevin keep giving me weird looks? I'm seriously not that weird, am I? I thought I was pretty normal compared to the rest of the theatre class. I'm normal, BORRING, even. Mah, wtf mate? Everyone in the world are irking me today. Kill kill kill kill kill kill killllllllllllll. Especially the cast of all shook up! get off the set peices, dumbasses!

My face hurts.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 23:36:34 GMT

Oh my God today was the worst day of my life. Yeah, I had to go get surgery on my ear cause of that stupid freaking mole. So I go to the hospital and they give you a wrist band so they can Identify you like a dog or an als heimers patient or something. Then I have this hott intern take me into my room and say "take off all your clothes, underwear and all, and put on this robe." then I started blushing and he tried to close the curtain but it was stuck. ugh. and THEN the lady made me pee in a cup. Even though I wasn't allowed to drink ten hours prior to this surgery. so I pee in it, and my pee is unusually YELLOW. and I have to walk out of the bathroom with it, and the hott nurse saw, and i was SO EMBARESSED. then, when they put the IV in, I had a panic attack. I seriously thought I was going to die. I couldn't breathe. My heart was beating a thousand times a minute, and my mom and the nurses were fading out. and then I puked. I started puking right whent he hott intern passed my... area. or whatever its called. anyway. my ear hurts like a bitch. and since when do they use bright blue stiches? Ugh. I work with children. They're going to be scared of me. Mommy! Frankenstein is the new student couselor at camp! mahhh. pain.

Ellenton

Sun, 27 May 2007 00:25:32 GMT

Whoo! I'm so freaking happy that school is out. Thank the lord. Today I went to Ellenton with Jackie and her mom & dad. MMMM we got fried pickles and freshly made potatoe chips from Woody's river roo! It was amazing. We got a casear wrap too. With fries. It was spectacular!

We went to a outlet mall and I got some awesome deals. We also bought obese people pants from bealls outlet and we're wearing them the first day of pantherettes. well, band camp. ahaha. eh.

Well I have a job at "musical theatre summer camp"! I'm so excited to work. My grandmother has ALSO agreed to me having voice lessons. which is AMAZING! WHOOT! I'm freaking extatic. So summers going pretty good for me so far. *knock on wood* I hope it gets better. It's only uphill from here, right? I think I deserve an awesome summer, compared to the school year I've had. It's amazing to get away from ....them.

Yay.

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 20:41:55 GMT

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
You don't know how lovley you are
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part

Adelie is going to the store now.

alaksjdflkjsdf.

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 19:20:16 GMT

EEEEEEE.
No shame tomorrow.
Jackie's tonight.
Connors sunday with Jackie.
Their going to work on their projects.
I love how no one reads this lol.
OH well.

I loveeeeeee him.
He loooooves me.
wheeeeeeeeeeee :D
I accept that.
For now.

Mrs. Greene's class.

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 01:47:36 GMT

I swear to God that Mrs. Greene's class will be the death of me. And I'm not even kidding either. well yeah, I am. But whatever. I showed connor s_g and he was all "I am saying this out of the kindness of my heart. I mean I still love you, but what the fuck? why the fuck would you go there are you retarded?" lol. so yeah. I'm retarted.

I just printed out monologues on lined paper.
because I used all my paper ON ALL OF MRS GREENES OTHER PROJECTS
BITCH.

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 20:09:58 GMT

I have a question. why the fuck is makeing out so fun? I would really like to know.
rofl. ::sighs::

Day by day.

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 00:43:50 GMT

Today was an okay day. It went by really fast though. AND I ACTUALLY DID A STOICHIOMETRY PROBLEM. I was utterly amazing. =O. mhm. yeah. And... the rest of my day was okay. rehearsal was okay. the celery really isn't that bad unless you bite into it. Connor looked really girly because of his stage makeup.lol. Tomorrow is valentines day...eh.. I made cards for people. and for some people that I didn't like but am giving them something anyway because I feel bad. Like Mandy. I think I'll give her one. And of course I have to give one to the devil herself. ^_^ Oh, the things I have to deal with. Anywho, I'm hopeing I can get through tomorrow. That's my only goal. Day by day. Step by step. Just do what I can. Don't put myself down. I'll be okay.

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 23:58:51 GMT

I want anonymous comments about me
hopefully not mean
but if thats what you feel like saying
go for it.
idkk just write something.

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 00:23:20 GMT

http://www.newstarget.com/002079.html

if you want cancer
go to that website
he tells you all the things you can do
I'm changing my diet immediatley.

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 20:41:44 GMT

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 20:55:44 GMT

So we broke up again.
Goodbye wonderboy...

I just wish everything was back the way it used to be.
even though i know it will never be like that again.
shit.

life is such a bitch!

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 03:09:25 GMT

I've been noticing that life is a bitch for all the people that I like with a few exceptions (like Jackie because really life is never a bitch for her), and then for the people that hate me and i hate them are having fun times. maybe i'm the evil twin putting a curse on everyone who cares about me.

want to trade lives?